I’m trying to have the courage that others show. Attacking such a public forum with such a personal issue is difficult. (Pinky inspires on this)
You write. You delete. You complete. You back space.
It’s frustration on top of rejection and depression. The frustration at my own inability to illustrate these thoughts.
What right do I have to complain? What right do I have to be unhappy?
I have no reason to feel the way I feel sometimes. I am so fortunate and so blessed.
But sometimes….
I stand, waiting for hours to pass, waiting for others to go away.
I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s like a cascade that dampens the spirit. The spirit that it takes days to build washes away in an instant. I find myself grasping for that confidence, that happiness that I just possessed, yet all I feel is the emptiness when it can’t be reached.
I am the happy, bubbly person. That is me, or that is the identity I protect and the persona I portray. It is not always a conscious effort, sometimes it is as if I am on auto pilot. My public display escapes my own evaluation, until another dictates to me "how great it is I am happy despite ______. "
There is a part that wants to say;
What do you know? It does bother me. It DOES affect me, and I am not always as happy as I appear. You don’t know me.
The other part says
I know right?? Look at me! I am so strong and unaffected!!
I ride the line like everyone else.
The worst part about the falter for me? Sometimes I have no reason why....
You write. You delete. You complete. You back space.
It’s frustration on top of rejection and depression. The frustration at my own inability to illustrate these thoughts.
What right do I have to complain? What right do I have to be unhappy?
I have no reason to feel the way I feel sometimes. I am so fortunate and so blessed.
But sometimes….
I stand, waiting for hours to pass, waiting for others to go away.
I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s like a cascade that dampens the spirit. The spirit that it takes days to build washes away in an instant. I find myself grasping for that confidence, that happiness that I just possessed, yet all I feel is the emptiness when it can’t be reached.
I am the happy, bubbly person. That is me, or that is the identity I protect and the persona I portray. It is not always a conscious effort, sometimes it is as if I am on auto pilot. My public display escapes my own evaluation, until another dictates to me "how great it is I am happy despite ______. "
There is a part that wants to say;
What do you know? It does bother me. It DOES affect me, and I am not always as happy as I appear. You don’t know me.
The other part says
I know right?? Look at me! I am so strong and unaffected!!
I ride the line like everyone else.
The worst part about the falter for me? Sometimes I have no reason why....
5 comments:
I understand because I DO know you and I feel the same way all of the time. It is just the way that I have conditioned myself....... to always appear pleased. Sometimes, I just pretend that things aren't happening. I learned that as as child......as you did.
Beautiful post and you need to come see us senseless jewels. You are so dear to me. You have no idea............
Come spend a long weekend with Prince and I in EXTREME 3-D!!
And a question............why are the backgrounds on your BLOG and MySpace pink after the "pink-blue argument". I think we should discuss this and other issues over a Big Texas Margarita...........
i got goosebumps reading that. your real person, the real you is so much more endearing than your persona, or front.... to me anyway.
there are those who prefer the superficial front, and i guess there will always be a time and a place for that.
you are a sweet, loving, and beautiful person. you don't always have to be happy. it's okay to not be happy for no reason at all. don't lose yourself in the persona, the real you is wonderful. :)
ah yes. the delicate line of fakeness that we all walk. After putting up a fascade and trying to please others for years, I finally got to the point where I speak my mind no matter what. Because by feeling like you can't say something because you might appear unappreciative of your life, is also living for other people's opinion. If you feel it, say it. There has to be some restraints on crazy thoughts, of course. But if something ticks you off then it ticks you off. and that is you. and people will probably like it because truth be known, they are probably ticked off by it too.
Jewels, I don't know how I inspired you, but let me tell you...I have a million reasons to be thankful. I could also count a million reasons to sit and cry. I don't think that's what it's all about. Pain is pain, ya know? We can play that mind game all day long. Grief is grief, and I've learned that it WILL wait for you, no matter how long you put it off.
The persona? I think it's necessary around people who know how to hurt you, until you know how to lay down boundaries and protect yourself effectively. That includes personal and work life. Otherwise, I'm with Carrie. I say, the true you is most always the best.
Jewels, now is the time to love yourself. Forget about pleasing others. It's NOT selfish. Find what gives you joy and life.
alright...I'm shutting up now. ;-)
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