The days are long but the years are short....

Wow. My last post was almost 5 years ago. I live in a new place, have a new job, a husband, and we are expecting our first baby this fall. It seems like just yesterday I was blogging about my dating adventures.. and now I don't even remember what a date feels like (thank goodness).

As of late.. as I'm having these AWESOME (read : insane) pregnancy hormone swings I've thought two things. 1. WHY did no one tell me about this? 2. In hindsight, this is pretty funny and I need to remember it. 

Isn't that everyday life though? Aren't we left wondering about so many things those same two thoughts? So my hope is to get back to blogging, if only ever so often. If no one reads it... I will at least have a tracking of the memories. :)

I hope the last 5 years has been as kind to all of you as it has to me :)

The Red Eye From Vegas

Never take the red eye flight home from Vegas. Now pause. Take a moment to let your mind wander... it's probably all happened. All the more reason, to never take the red eye home from Vegas.

I was 22 years old. My boyfriend (this would be the one with a manicure kit and no shine powder - that was a year of good decisions) was going home to see his parents for Easter - and he did NOT want me to go. I. Was. PISSED. So I did what any scorned 22 year old would do... I called one of my best friends who happened to live in Las Vegas and asked if she wanted a house guest for Easter Weekend. BEAT THAT entirely too feminine boyfriend. But I digress.

On the way home I chose the cheap flight, I mean I was a college kid living with her parents. The flight left shortly after midnight PST and arrived around 5am central, or "my time." My friend dropped me off and I waited for the boarding call at my gate, reading "The DaVinci Code" and staring at my bookmark photo of my boyfriend. I loved him, and he loved him too. A random, but good looking guy sat down next to me. He began with the typical "what are you reading" and we had a short conversation. He was also from Dallas... and on his way home from vacation.

Guy : You have fun?
Me : Yeah, you?
Guy : Yeah.. but I broke up with my girlfriend..
Me : Oh.. so you took a trip to Vegas?
Guy : No... on the trip... oh s**t there she is.

And then I looked up and got the death glare to end all death glares. Crap. Why me?!?!

I got up and in line for the plane... got in, took my seat. As I sit I hear bickering and I look up to realize Guy and his EX girlfriend are sitting next to each other (of course) and directly across the aisle from me one row up. More bickering ensues... I just continue on reading my book as the plane fills up and prepares for take off. I am completely engulfed in the story when their bickering volume rises

Girl : Hey.. .HEEEYYYYYYY... HELLO?!?!?

Naturally - my dumbass looks up..

Girl : YEAH - YOU WITCH (except is SOUNDED LIKE that - wasn't that word)!
Wait what!?!??! Is she talking to ME?!?! (As I do the cliche looking around and then finger pointing to yourself)

Girl : You wanna sleep with him? (and trust me I am making this PG and not sounding like duck) well i caught him in our room with some slut so you can have him!!!!

Me : uh. um, what? No...n..n...n...n... No. Um... No. I have a boyfriend
uncontrollable stuttering... part of me was thinking.. ok.. Where's Ashton?!?!

Her boyfriend is telling her to stop and "shhh-ing" her and everyone on the plane is looking. And the steward (funny term) aka my HERO - stops mid aisle, blocking the view to say "GREAT book" and proceeded to talk plot with me for a couple of minutes. God love him.

And for that, I will FOREVER love the "Davinci Code" and forever avoid the red eye home from Vegas. Nothing but crazies on there.

Recent "News" I Find Annoying

It's frustrating to see the same headlines on every channel, on every website, and photos of people I could really care less about with a headline under it. Here's just a taste of a these I find frustrating lately.

1. Jessica Biel – because she ...well exists. WHY is anyone talking about her? I do not think she’s pretty and recent photos only make me think she needs a shower. I do not care if she is dating Justin Timberlake, Madonna, or beating Rihanna. Has she done anything in the last few years besides get naked in a supporting role or two?

2.Perez Hilton vs Miss California – I have not watched beauty pageants since childhood. I remember my friend Rebecca and I would get out pen and paper and snacks, and rate the girls as the show went on. Once we realized what morons they all were I stopped. However you can not see a single news program right now without hearing about the “Gay marriage question” asked by Perez and not answered to his liking. Now I love gay men (I even dated some of them), but Perez Hilton is a HORRIBLE representation of my dear gay friends. I think of my Mimi sitting in her living room and that is the only gay man she has probably ever seen and there he is ranting and calling Miss California a “dumb b*tch”. He is not helping the case with the Mimi’s of the world.

3. Susan Boyle. Does this really need an explanation? My co-worker and her husband illustrate it best.
Co-worker : “Honey come look – this is that amazing singer everyone is talking about Susan Boyle”
Husband : “Wow… she needs a makeover BAD”
Co-worker : “That IS the makeover”

4. Mia Farrow going on a hunger strike for Darfur. Seriously? I think it’s kind of cheap to take something you do anyway and say you are doing it for a cause. That’s like me saying I’m walking my dogs 3-4 times a day in protest of puppy mills. I do it anyway. It changes nothing. Look at the woman throughout the years, this is nothing new.

On the upside, it's been almost a week since I've heard how amazing Michelle Obama is. That may be a record.

100 Posts

Wow, I'm 100 posts in and you people still READ IT! That is insane.. or you are... or you think I am, either way - I need to find a way to make money off of this. (No joke cause I need it).



I thought this would be an appropriate time to maybe direct some of you newer readers to some of my favorites. For you tried and true followers since the beginning, who doesn't pick up a good book and read it again?? You? Well Crap... catch ya next post then.



I hope you enjoy and I'll try to get out some new stuff for you soon!



My Now Former Omni-Present Neighbor



Creepy McCreeperson



Some Random Additions To My Life's Knowledge



Thoughts and Happenings



I also felt the need to include a photo of one of my happiest days as a teenager that is brought up in the last blog "Thoughts and Happenings", that and because it makes me laugh. That was the best day ever. PS - I was 16 here... give me a break already.

Just Another Holiday With The Fam

Every now and then I have flashbacks to one night of my youth, it mildly resembles the set up on a cheesy horror movie. Little girl gets out of bed in her floor length nightgown and peers out the door. The wind is banging the trees against the windows and there is barely any light in the hallway. I would peek around the corner, and then run with all my might into the bathroom, slam and lock the door. Phew. That was close. The same ritual to be repeated on the way back to my room, my heart was in my chest, I was petrified of seeing him...you know... the Easter Bunny. What was my childhood reasoning?? Any man made to wear a PASTEL bunny suit can not be a happy person. I would not get in his way.



Now Easter is less of a tradition with my family, and we are all perfectly ok with that. My dad recently broke his ankle and had to get 7 screws put in his leg. He is having a tough time getting around so it was an easy going Sunday.



I was sitting on my parents bed in between the two of them, on my mom's laptop. Dad gets his crutches up to go to the bathroom, which is directly to our right. As he nears the toilet my mom tells me (and I am so utterly grateful for this)...



"He doesn't close the door so you might want to look away"



Wow. You don't have to tell me twice.



We then did what any completely awesome Texas family would do for Easter dinner. We ordered Chuy's Tex Mex to go. My mom is a lover of Chili Rellenos. Now I don't expect everyone to know how to spell this or even to pronounce it, but if you work there I expect a little more than this....

Overall it was a nice little weekend with friends and family. Despite the fat lip I now have. I got in a fight this weekend. Now I'm not much of a fighter, and I always believe its best to just walk away. But this guy just would not back down and would NOT get out of my way. So we had a face off. The score?

Cement : 1

Jewels : 0

And no.. I do not want a rematch.

Does This Work For Anyone?!?!

So I met a guy, we'll call him Doug, because that's his real name. When you are this much of a turd you do not get protection dude.

Doug called me Sunday night, I was in a movie with a girlfriend, the message said "Hey Jewels, this is Doug.. i think you have a confession to make..gimme a call." I was already turned off, but had a 15 minute drive home and thought, what the hell??

Well Doug is apparently still stuck in 1993 because he had one of those voice mails... you know the one... where they go" Hello??.........Hello???........ Who is this?????? oh its just a machine".

Moron.

I did not leave a message, I hung up and said,"oh HELL NO".

Guess what friends, the universe did not let the story end there. Doug called me back just now. And Live Doug is SO much worse than voicemail Doug. The conversation went like this...

Doug : Hey stranger, what are you up to?

Me : Hey....um... laundry (as his number was NOT programmed in my phone and I had no clue who this was).

Doug : So I thought I'd call you back from last night...

Me : Oh... (clued in now)... so what is this confession I am supposed to make?

Doug : Funny story... maybe this has happened to you... I was getting out of the shower, and I saw someone peeking through the window... it was you wasn't it?

Me : um, is that your line?

Doug : No but it gets a call back.

Me: .....................

Doug : So you want to get together this week for coffee?

Me: Umm.....

Doug : Oh, hey that's my other line but I'll call you tomorrow and we'll make a date ok? Bye

Me: Ummmm.............

And he's gone. Seriously?? Guess who won't be drinking coffee with a guy named Doug this week?? Me.

Where do these people come from?!?! Is this all that's left?!?!?!

Cowgirl I Am Not

Alright, lets be honest here. You blow a date/meeting/chance with me, and the odds are there is going to be a blog about it. Consider me the Taylor Swift of blogging but with a little less notoriety and a lot less money. I especially don’t feel bad for those of you out there who KNOW I have a blog that discusses dating/men/boys yet you talk to me anyway. You had fair warning. Now normally I give it awhile, wait until it’s not so fresh, maybe they aren’t checking the blog anymore….but if you give me attitude.. and I’m low on blog material, it’s your time to SHINE my friend.

Here is a recent conversation via “gchat” I had with, we’ll call him Sam. He is apparently a rather big fan of the rodeo – and I obviously, am not.

me: so i have never actually BEEN to a rodeo
ever
do you actually go to the rodeo rodeo or is there other stuff to do?
Sam: both
me: so...guys lasso calves? or what?
Sam: tie-down roping.. yes
events are... bareback riding, bulldoggin', tie down roping, team roping, saddle bronc riding, barrel racing, and bull riding
Me: you may as well have spoken chinese
Sam: you grew up in Texas.. right?
me: yep
Sam: and you dont knwo what rodeo is?! hard to believe
me: never went to the rodeo -
I know the basics
Sam: obviously not... i just told you the basics
me: i don't know the category's - i couldn't tell you what they were doing exactly or the terminology
i mean the bare basics. I know a guy rides a horse and lassos a calf and then there is bull riding...
theres something with barrels?
Sam: lasso is spanish...
they rope the calf
me: exactly - i know what you see on tv
thats about it
Sam: which all of the BASIC events i just listed are on tv almost nightly
me: I think you misunderstood me. I meant “on tv” as in with on “Without A Trace” they are solving a case where someone disappeared from a rodeo, or a lifetime movie based around a rodeo

As my bloggety friend Susi would say.... NEXT!

Wilson's Weapon

Now I may be the human, the money maker, the homeowner, the provider, however there is one instance where my dog Wilson clearly rules the home. This instance is ANY TIME I go to leave, and place them in their "room." That is Wilson there on the right, he looks innocent enough right?

I know you are all out there in blog world saying "you can't take on an eight pound dog?". No. No I can't. He has a weapon. He is well aware of that weapon and the power it provides, and let me tell you ... "cute little Wilson" is not afraid to use it.

This is his warning stance, aka "lock and load". I go to get him off the bed, and his legs open in DIRECT equivalence to the proximity of how close I am to him. The further I advance, the more widespread he becomes, and vice versa.

Wilson knows his "willie" is a powerful weapon, as the last thing I want is dog pee sprayed across my bed. (And he'll do it too). Every day I have to invent a new way to get him off the bed in peace so I can then proceed to pick him up off the hardwood floor and pluck him in his "room."

So basically, an 8 pound dog runs my house. I admit it.

Red Flags (consider yourself warned)

We've all made mistakes in life. I made plenty in my love life and I'm probably going to make some more. My old pal Blunt Delivery gives some great advice on what to look for IN relationships. Here I would just like to address some early signs that I wish someone had warned me about before I get in those in the first place. Any more than one of these...and I advise you to draw a square, add a line on the side, and color it in red. That's right girls, the following 10 things that I have seen/experienced are definitely A RED FLAG!!!

1. Paisley shirts. No one should wear a paisley shirt but your Mimi, no one.

2. Make up. His very own No Shine powder. I think this speaks for itself.

3. A Manicure kit - Here's a tip, this isn't because he wants to do YOUR nails.

4. Uses the Term "Beeyotch" - NO straight man should use this term, a "biotch" to avoid the word or "B" is not appealing, but it's acceptable. Beeyotch, well..... NO.

5. Tanning. After a trip to the tanning salon (Him..not you, which is another red flag in itself.) - he says "I'm tanner than you"

6. Ego. 75% of the photos on his digital camera are portraits he took.... of HIMSELF

7. An obsession for Bernadette Peters. Don't know who she is? I didn't either. Look it up. You'll understand.

8. He refers to his mustang as "baby"

9. "Matchmaker" He's getting girls numbers "for his friends sweetie.." (no i didn't buy this one but people do)

10. Overzealous on his religion. I had a pretty religious boyfriend, whom after I said "that just hit me in the ass", he looked at me, tears in his eyes and said "You just drove the nails deeper into Christ's wrists" - I RAN... FAST.

Now - these may never happen to you, but over years of my collective dating experience here are just a few things I experienced.

These date way back, the more recent ones I need to give a little more time so maybe they won't be as sensitive or recognize themselves. Maybe you shouldn't write about that Jewels. No - I'm sorry, it's just too good. If someone hands you a 2 caret diamond you don't say "Oh I can't accept this due to the movie Blood Diamond and what happens in Africa." You just don't. (Well maybe you do but I wouldn't. It's there, the damage has already been done.

More red flags to come when the dust settles - and trust me, they are JUICY.

Going Green

I tricked you my dear liberal minded friends!! You started reading! But, alas I do not mean environmentally green, but the literal action of wearing green.

I'm sorry I don't recycle, they don't pick up at my place. But at work I do recycle paper in a box that my co-worker got for me, so see... thats something!

Ok, so today is St. Patrick's Day. I will admit, I know nothing of this holiday. Nothing except I must wear green and people drink incessantly...but mainly, I know I must wear green. Why do you text "Happy St Patty's Day" and put that on your facebook status? What is the occasion? And if there is one more "It's St Patrick's Day, be safe out there"... Really?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?

Frankly these little guys scare me. They make me think of Rumplestiltskin and him coming after my first born or my dog or something.


I do not have an inherent love for St. Patrick, don't know much about the guy, and as far as I know there is barely, if any Irish in my bloodline. I have never tried Guinness, and everyday is a day where one can drink beer in my family. Frankly I just don't want to deal with people.... people and the pinching.

Damn the pinching.

And the JUDGEMENT, who made you the "That's not green" fairy?

There is not one shade of green that everyone must wear or deal with the nail punctures and bruises that resort from pinching. All day I hear "That's turquoise" or "thats more of an aqua". Listen, you are a pincher, you probably have been since you were a kid, and you have a problem.

IT'S FREAKING GREEN!