At this time in my childhood until the age of 13, I was in a light blue house with white shutters off a red dirt road in Mobile, Alabama. I was with my biological father, my stepmother Gina, and my brother and sister Justin and Jenna. I had only been there 6 days and 5 nights, and I was leaving in two short days. Then, I would be in a red and brown brick house, on a paved road, in Plano, TX. I would be with my Mom, the only DAD that I now know, and my brother and sister Trevor and Bethany.
This was my childhood, this was my normal.
The day after Christmas I did not see friends and share toys with my siblings. The day after Christmas I said goodbye to my family I had spent every moment with the last six months, and flew to the home of "my family" I hardly knew. Calling a man Dad who frightened me slightly, and commanded I say "yes sir" and "no ma'am" in military fashion, and hugging a brother and sister I hardly knew. There I had another Christmas, but I was the unwilling star. I was the only one with presents left from Santa, and everyone wanted to see "how much I'd grown." This "side's" grandparents rushed over, neighbors stopped by, all for the "Julie Show."
I just wanted my Mom.
New Years Day, my last day on that red dirt road, I am mixed with emotions of guilt - because I want to see my Mom, sadness - because I must leave this other family, and confusion- because I don't know what emotions its ok for me to show which "side".
These days still have a place in my head. It has been 14 years since the other "side" ceased to exist in my world(not by my choice, but their own). Yet December 26-January 2nd, and June 10 through July 21st, still send a strange feeling to my heart.
Do not misunderstand, I am thankful everyday that my parents divorced when I was a baby. My birth father was a controlling man, and the man my Mom is with now, who IS my Dad is amazing, he and my Mom are wonderful parents. But those memories, those feelings of obligation, of guilt and of confusion, they don't go away, they just get buried in the business of every day life.
14 years ago was the last time this little girl was on that red dirt road, and all she wanted was to go home.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
i'm sorry you have to feel those emotions julie. in time, those memories will all be replaced with new and happy memories with your own family.
love you lots.
Okay........that made me cry.....
Oh Jewels.
The little girl in me is crying for the little girl you.
I was confused, too.
Love for you.
Post a Comment