Drinking and Texting

Ok, my name is Senseless Jewels and I have a problem. I am an alcohol induced texter.

I am not sure when it started, I do know I have improved. This is due to no effort of my drinking self, but by sober Jewels who deletes some numbers from her phone to avoid such embarrassment.

There are always two main instances...between an ex boyfriend, "short lived relationship", or a random make-out guy(PG thank you very much), or even just a POSSIBLE slight inkling of liking.. All rationalization is lost so pretty much everyone is fair game. (Please note on weekends this is after midnight, however on weekdays with happy hour anytime beyond 6pm is dangerous)

1. I text silly messages with no point such as "Whatcha up to?" or "How have you been?" to guys I really don't have feelings for. Maybe I just need a little ego boost or maybe I'm just bored and want someone to talk to.

2. I text said messages to guys who I previously dumped or ended things with but they still liked me. This is never good. This always,always ends up badly. This is not just a one night instance. This then reignites their hope that I have some interest, admittedly my fault. Then the next day I get the "so what day works for you for dinner this week?" CRAP!!!! Now I have to dump them, AGAIN!

Overall - laying in bed this morning after a fun night on the town with some fun friends, I was having the typical morning after reaction as I remembered texts I had sent. Please note not one of these girls stopped me. Not a one.

"ohhh... CRAP" as I bury my head under the covers.

I'm stopping. You all are my witnesses. What do I think is going to come out of this that is GOOD? All I get is to make fun of MYSELF, and frankly I MUCH prefer making fun of others.

Cat Fight

I was reminded by a discussion in the comment section at my friend blunt delivery’s blog, of an elementary school argument that turned rather, well, embarrassing. I know – you are thinking what was NOT embarrassing about you in elementary school Jewels… well.. nothing. From my acid washed ruffle denim skirts, to my annual perm, I in no way escape ridicule. There was however, one unique incident I don’t think anyone else can claim…

The Cat Fight of 4th grade, with Katie G.

Katie was new in town the previous year and we became fast friends. We would spend the night at each other’s house and watch “Steel Magnolias” until the VHS tape wouldn’t work anymore. One night, Katie G was at my house staying over and we had a typical 4th grade fight. I don’t remember what it was about, only that we went to sleep mad at each other.

When we went to sleep I had evenly trimmed bangs, when I woke up, one side of my bangs were, for all intents and purposes, gone. They were maybe half an inch long sticking straight up.

After Katie went home my Mom and I were trying to figure out what happened, and somehow I came to the conclusion that Katie had freaking CUT my bangs. Oh man was I pissed.

Monday at recess I called her out. We were being called to line up to go back into class and were arguing again and I said “YOU CUT MY BANGS” . Katie of course denied it, whatever, I knew the truth. She was mad at me and took the scissors and cut my bangs. Fingers were pointed, words were said, feelings were hurt, and I looked ridiculous with a mini spike on the right front side of my head where said bangs used to be.

After that, obviously Katie and I were no longer friends. Months later, I was laying on the couch watching tv with my Mom. I felt a slight tickling and heard my Mom say “Oh crap”. I raised my eyes up, and standing over my on the couch cushion, EATING MY BANGS was my cat Angel (rip). Apparently she liked hair spray.

Whoops.

Sorry Katie G.

Wait Till Your Father Gets Home

I have always feared my Mom more than my Dad. My Mom is used to the “strict father” and “sympathetic mother” that most of her generation grew up with. You know…the scary and threatening..

“Wait till your father gets home”

This was not quite how it was in my house.

Years ago, when I was in college and still living at home with my parents, I had some crazy times. I would leave to go out with friends, and either
A. Get home around 2:30-3am (3am meant there was a Whataburger run for some taquitos – or Jack in The Box – no way I could eat that now)
B. Not come home at all(get your mind out of the gutter I usually was crashed at a friends place)

Now if I didn’t come home I would receive the dreaded phone call between 6 and 7 am, it never failed.

Me : “Hello”

Mom: “ Where are you”

Me: “Becki’s (or Candace, Jamie, whatever friend I went out with the night before)

Mom : You need to get home NOW – your Dad is so mad – wait until he talks to you.

So I would get home, go straight to my room and try to avoid my parents at all cost. I would get ready and go off to school or work to avoid confrontation. My mom called to inform me I was to meet my Dad for lunch to talk about my behavior and how it has gone on long enough.

I get to the restaurant, and sit down with my Dad. Our food is ordered, and the talk begins.

Dad : Well… the mommy wants me to talk to you

Me : I know…

Dad: We just wanna know where you are….

Me: Ok.

Dad: Ok, ….. you need any money? Here’s a $20.

And that is it.

After leaving the restaurant and getting back to my office I get a phone call, caller Id says “Home”.

Mom : We’re going to need that $20 back.

Weekend Wrap Up

As previously stated, I was at my parents home in North Dallas this weekend for a wedding. I spent 3 days and 3 nights up there and was going pretty much non-stop. I had a blast, some surprises, some yawns, some lessons, and generally a fun time throughout.

Some things I noted;

-It is fun to get a group of old high school friends together to talk about crazy things like vomit and snuggies. Not necessarily together, although entirely appropriate...

-I am still capable of getting home at 5:30 in the morning.

-My parents are still capable of REALLY REALLY disliking it when I get home at 5:30 in the morning.

-Never let a gay man with good taste give you beer in his home. You will like it, you will want it instead of domestic, and it will be expensive. Damn you Ryan and your Stella.

-All weddings should have a mandated alcohol supply. Seriously. I understand the joyous occasion but at least put BYOB on your invitation or something. Mini liquor bottles aren’t just for hotels and airplanes anymore! I just realized all things above involved alcohol…. All the more reason to always have it at weddings…

-A $60+ dollar tab for two people is WAY too much beer.

-Upon running into him, literally...I still feel slight embarrassment for those harassing "I like you" phone calls I made to Brian Finkelstein in 7th grade, chalk this up to "the people I didn't expect to see on Saturday night".

-Telling guys Tamara and I met in a Backstreet Boy chat room is still the best way to get rid of them EVER.

-The Tunacado at Ra in The Shops at Legacy is one of the best things I have EVER HAD.

-A party weekend is not best during Daylight Savings Time.

Overall, there is nothing better than reconnecting with tons of old friends for a weekend and feeling young again.... and now we get in less trouble....well.... sort of...

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

I am at my parents house for a wedding this weekend. I made the ever so exciting 3.5 hour drive last night and then went to bed in my brothers messy (understatement of the century) room. This morning, my Dad and my brother were kind enough to take my car to the family mechanic.

My Dad has always been a goofy absentminded guy, and whether intentionally or not, he is hilarious.

After my Dad and brother returned, I was letting the dogs in the backyard while talking to my brother and my Mom.

Mom : Where's your dad? Did he leave? (yelling) AL!!!!

Al: Here (this was coming from the next room)

So Mom walks off to him..... and then....

Mom : Where are your pants?

Now that's something you don't want to hear....

Oh boy.

Cabin Fever... Not the D List Movie

I know…. I left you, I’m sorry. I would promise you it will never happen again, but the odds are against us. I could tell you I’m never going to write again and that this means you must start viewing my site as much as possible to improve the world… but I don’t follow Obama’s Guidebook.

Because I respect you all and your intelligence, I’m going to tell it like it is. Folks, sometimes this darn thing gets lost in the shuffle of this craziness we call life, or for instances such as this past week, the common cold.

From Tuesday at 1pm until this fine Monday morning I left my home a grand total of 3 times, each with its own little gem to share, yet not enough energy at that time to articulate. I saved those little bits just for your entertainment whenever I was up and ready to go again...

#1. I went to see G Love and Special Sauce late Friday night. I know what you are thinking Mom “if you are too sick to go to school(I mean work… big girl now) you are too sick to go out". Well, normally I would agree, but this lesson of Mom’s falls to #2 behind not wasting money – as I had already shelled out $30 for my ticket. That’s 6 bottles of cheap red wine. I was going to that darn concert people. It was outdoors, no chairs, but I sat on the ground straight up until they took the stage. As the show progressed, I took note of my surroundings. I noticed two decent looking guys at our ten o’clock. Not bad. Not great, but comparatively they were doing fine. Along come “Paul and Steve”. Paul and Steve are the guys whose names you remember, if for no other reason than to be prepared to run like hell next time. Paul and Steve take the “I’m a dumb drunk ass who is going to get all up in your grill” approach. (Standing directly in front of my friend and I and then beer in hand saying “whoops sorry ladies..I’m Paul,…I’m Steve”). I then took the lame, but tried and true…approach of “oh look who it is over there” and running to the aforementioned decent looking boys at ten o’clock. There I stayed talking with the nice gentleman the rest of the show and enjoyed myself…well… sans a sad interruption compliments of Paul and Steve asking why I ran off… oh boys. As for the decent guys at ten o’clock – never got their name, but they were enjoyable for the half hour we chatted. Penn state, mechanical engineer, lives north of the city… see … I pay attention. You don’t ask my name I don’t ask yours. Moving on….

#2.A quick trip by a friend’s house to watch a movie. We watched “My Best Friend’s Girl” with Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, and Dane Cook – there were some funny lines but I would not recommend it. Biggs was a one pie wonder…(side note – Brandon I apologize, I know how you feel about Dane Cook – I hope this little shout out helps heal the pain this outing has caused).

#3.Shopping. That’s right. As if things couldn’t get any worse with my “viral respiratory infection” (I know I know, it’s a cold but the technical term sounds harsher), I had to go shopping. I am going up to Dallas this weekend for a family wedding and I needed a dress. If you have learned anything about me in our short and limited time together you know my feelings about shopping…but I digress. I was in store #2. Marshall’s… aka Cheap People R Us. **TMI ALERT** This may be too much for some people but I’m going to keep it as appropriate as possible…scan on down if you can’t handle it and don’t say I didn’t warn you. I run to the women’s restroom before I start my ever dreaded shopping experience. I walk in the stall, lock the door… am going about my business when… out of freaking nowhere there is around a 4-5 year old little boy looking at me under the stall!! WTF!?!?! He is saying “Mom?? ….Mom…??” While STARING at ME- obviously not your mama kid…What does one do? I mean, I had already BEGUN here – so I just held my shoe up in his face…. I said “excuse me” a couple of times, but really… I was at a loss. After that I was ready to G.O. In typical Jewels fashion, tried on two dresses, one fit, on clearance (BOO-YAH), $20 – and home I go… back to my tissues and Dayquil.

Please know – I thought of you all the entire time (this is not true), and thought of how the blogosphere was doing with out me (this only because people asked me where I was)… I hope this long one begins to make up for my absence (don’t know don’t care… read it or don’t.. Obama hasn’t controlled blogs just yet..you still have time)…

Oh and I’m much better – seriously though, take care of yourself and watch out for little boys shooting long rows of snot – they are not your friend.

Trying the Cliches

Today is not a happy day for Jewels.... nope... Jewels is sick. I'm not entirely sure if it is allergies or a cold. Either way.... NOT. HAPPY.

I went to a children's arcade on Saturday for a 5 year old birthday party. I had a blast. Emily and I spent $20 paying skee ball, basketball, the stupid money wasting drop the coin in and see if you can knock coins out game, and some shoot em up fun. The negative here? One kid. One kid in the party room who sneezed the longest line of snot I have ever seen in my life. No joke, it was as tall as he was. At that exact moment I looked at my friend Emily and said

"oh sh*t"

It was that moment I knew I would probably end up sick.

So here I am, coughing my lungs up, body aching, and buying into every single "feel better" cliche there is because...hell....what else can I do?

I got my day time cold/flu syrup, my water, ginger ale, orange juice, chicken noodle soup, and hot tea with honey.

Surely if I combine it all something will work?

PS - Thanks to Angela and her awesomeness for designing and putting together the awesome header you see here!

PPS - Longest row of snot I have ever seen - EVER

My Single Ladies

In referral to my previous post about some naive women, I thought it was only fair to give you some insight into a typical text/email conversation between my friend Faith and I about dating. Just for comparison's sake. (note this is actually copy and pasted in, word for word)


Faith : BUT- I have see him before. When Michele first told me about him, she had me look him up. He is cute

Me : Well there you go – you know you are dating so much its making me tired of dating. Lol. I don’t know how you do it.

Faith : Well, to be fair... I haven't really been on too many dates. Just 3.

Me : Well you are out meeting lots of boys – lol. 3 dates LAST WEEK. just kidding.

Faith: I approach a lot of them myself. I don't have the patience to play cat and mouse games.

me : - aww… aren’t they all?

Faith: I'm just shooting a gun in a barrel of fish.

me: For me, I feel like those fish I’m shooting at are minnows. Lol. amoebas maybe.

Faith : amoebas are kinda cute

me: Yet boogers to catch.

Faith: i laughed at the word boogers

Locker Room Talk

So I went to the gym after work yesterday (yes, hell has frozen over, but only parts, don't get excited this is not a routine or anything...), and was in the locker room changing in behind the curtain in the small changing "area." Right outside the curtain I hear two women talking..

Woman 1 : Hey! I'm glad you made it today.

Woman2 : Me too. GUESS WHAT?!?! He actually called me last night!

Woman1: Really? Finally. What did he say?

Woman2 : Well he explained and said he was really sorry

Woman1 : Uh-huh (like she's agreeing, not said sarcastically)

Woman2 : And he said he didn't call me earlier because he didn't want to bother me at work and upset me when I had my meetings and everything...

Woman1 : Oh.... that makes sense.

Woman2: Then he told me he has only apologized like four or five times in his life and this was one of those times...

Woman1: Awwwwwww....

Woman2 : Yeah, I know! And he REALLY really meant it, I could hear how sorry he was in his voice...

Woman1 : Girl... that's great, so did he apply for that job?

Woman2 : No - he is going to take a few weeks and go to Florida and just figure out what he really wants to do and get his thoughts together and then come back and we'll be together.

Woman1: That may be just what he needs......

And then they walked out of the locker room....

Seriously?!??!?! I hope this girl doesn't sit at home crying months from now wondering what went wrong...

Maybe Minor, but Complaints Nonetheless

There are several small things that are annoying me currently. There isn't anything I can do about them, besides vent to anyone who wants to read this. And yes, I know how minor and minuscule they are in the grand scheme of things, sometimes you just need to get it out.

1. Mi Casa. I am a homeowner, and I have NEVER had more problems in all the places I have rented than I am having now. For the approx. 5th time in less than 4 months, my condo complex does not have hot water. Apparently, I live in a dump. I'm not sure who I am supposed to blame here, my realtor, the developer, the plumber who can't seem to get it right, or the HOA that just raised my rate $35 a month and FOR WHAT?!?! All I know, is I have been washing my hair in an ice cold sink on the days that it decides to go out, which has been SINCE SATURDAY. Not. happy.

2. Work cleaning crew. I swear, the staff that cleans our offices at night must be in cahoots with the guy that owns the vending machines. Full, empty, or with my name on it, the cleaning crew always THROWS AWAY my water bottle every freaking night. I have to HIDE my own water bottle before I leave everyday! Ridiculous. And sometimes, well I am in a hurry and I forget, so I have to go buy yet ANOTHER water bottle out of the vending machine. Like I said.....cahoots.

3. Michelle Obama : Fashion Diva. WHAT?!?!?! I mean really, WHAT?! All they were talking about on the NEWS this morning is how this woman is single handily saving the economy and getting people buying new clothes. Yet this "Jason Wu" character who designed her inauguration gown is supposedly on PETA's radar for all the fur he has used. My annoyance/question here?? Where the hell is Ashley Judd on this?! I mean, isn't she due another commercial talking about how Michelle is endorsing the death of animals? Or does this only apply to republicans? I hate celebrities who delve into politics. Ugh.

I am sure there are many many more, but for now I am off to work... minor bumps in the road of life, but I think the air in my tires is already low.