Does This Work For Anyone?!?!

So I met a guy, we'll call him Doug, because that's his real name. When you are this much of a turd you do not get protection dude.

Doug called me Sunday night, I was in a movie with a girlfriend, the message said "Hey Jewels, this is Doug.. i think you have a confession to make..gimme a call." I was already turned off, but had a 15 minute drive home and thought, what the hell??

Well Doug is apparently still stuck in 1993 because he had one of those voice mails... you know the one... where they go" Hello??.........Hello???........ Who is this?????? oh its just a machine".

Moron.

I did not leave a message, I hung up and said,"oh HELL NO".

Guess what friends, the universe did not let the story end there. Doug called me back just now. And Live Doug is SO much worse than voicemail Doug. The conversation went like this...

Doug : Hey stranger, what are you up to?

Me : Hey....um... laundry (as his number was NOT programmed in my phone and I had no clue who this was).

Doug : So I thought I'd call you back from last night...

Me : Oh... (clued in now)... so what is this confession I am supposed to make?

Doug : Funny story... maybe this has happened to you... I was getting out of the shower, and I saw someone peeking through the window... it was you wasn't it?

Me : um, is that your line?

Doug : No but it gets a call back.

Me: .....................

Doug : So you want to get together this week for coffee?

Me: Umm.....

Doug : Oh, hey that's my other line but I'll call you tomorrow and we'll make a date ok? Bye

Me: Ummmm.............

And he's gone. Seriously?? Guess who won't be drinking coffee with a guy named Doug this week?? Me.

Where do these people come from?!?! Is this all that's left?!?!?!

Cowgirl I Am Not

Alright, lets be honest here. You blow a date/meeting/chance with me, and the odds are there is going to be a blog about it. Consider me the Taylor Swift of blogging but with a little less notoriety and a lot less money. I especially don’t feel bad for those of you out there who KNOW I have a blog that discusses dating/men/boys yet you talk to me anyway. You had fair warning. Now normally I give it awhile, wait until it’s not so fresh, maybe they aren’t checking the blog anymore….but if you give me attitude.. and I’m low on blog material, it’s your time to SHINE my friend.

Here is a recent conversation via “gchat” I had with, we’ll call him Sam. He is apparently a rather big fan of the rodeo – and I obviously, am not.

me: so i have never actually BEEN to a rodeo
ever
do you actually go to the rodeo rodeo or is there other stuff to do?
Sam: both
me: so...guys lasso calves? or what?
Sam: tie-down roping.. yes
events are... bareback riding, bulldoggin', tie down roping, team roping, saddle bronc riding, barrel racing, and bull riding
Me: you may as well have spoken chinese
Sam: you grew up in Texas.. right?
me: yep
Sam: and you dont knwo what rodeo is?! hard to believe
me: never went to the rodeo -
I know the basics
Sam: obviously not... i just told you the basics
me: i don't know the category's - i couldn't tell you what they were doing exactly or the terminology
i mean the bare basics. I know a guy rides a horse and lassos a calf and then there is bull riding...
theres something with barrels?
Sam: lasso is spanish...
they rope the calf
me: exactly - i know what you see on tv
thats about it
Sam: which all of the BASIC events i just listed are on tv almost nightly
me: I think you misunderstood me. I meant “on tv” as in with on “Without A Trace” they are solving a case where someone disappeared from a rodeo, or a lifetime movie based around a rodeo

As my bloggety friend Susi would say.... NEXT!

Red Flags (consider yourself warned)

We've all made mistakes in life. I made plenty in my love life and I'm probably going to make some more. My old pal Blunt Delivery gives some great advice on what to look for IN relationships. Here I would just like to address some early signs that I wish someone had warned me about before I get in those in the first place. Any more than one of these...and I advise you to draw a square, add a line on the side, and color it in red. That's right girls, the following 10 things that I have seen/experienced are definitely A RED FLAG!!!

1. Paisley shirts. No one should wear a paisley shirt but your Mimi, no one.

2. Make up. His very own No Shine powder. I think this speaks for itself.

3. A Manicure kit - Here's a tip, this isn't because he wants to do YOUR nails.

4. Uses the Term "Beeyotch" - NO straight man should use this term, a "biotch" to avoid the word or "B" is not appealing, but it's acceptable. Beeyotch, well..... NO.

5. Tanning. After a trip to the tanning salon (Him..not you, which is another red flag in itself.) - he says "I'm tanner than you"

6. Ego. 75% of the photos on his digital camera are portraits he took.... of HIMSELF

7. An obsession for Bernadette Peters. Don't know who she is? I didn't either. Look it up. You'll understand.

8. He refers to his mustang as "baby"

9. "Matchmaker" He's getting girls numbers "for his friends sweetie.." (no i didn't buy this one but people do)

10. Overzealous on his religion. I had a pretty religious boyfriend, whom after I said "that just hit me in the ass", he looked at me, tears in his eyes and said "You just drove the nails deeper into Christ's wrists" - I RAN... FAST.

Now - these may never happen to you, but over years of my collective dating experience here are just a few things I experienced.

These date way back, the more recent ones I need to give a little more time so maybe they won't be as sensitive or recognize themselves. Maybe you shouldn't write about that Jewels. No - I'm sorry, it's just too good. If someone hands you a 2 caret diamond you don't say "Oh I can't accept this due to the movie Blood Diamond and what happens in Africa." You just don't. (Well maybe you do but I wouldn't. It's there, the damage has already been done.

More red flags to come when the dust settles - and trust me, they are JUICY.

My Single Ladies

In referral to my previous post about some naive women, I thought it was only fair to give you some insight into a typical text/email conversation between my friend Faith and I about dating. Just for comparison's sake. (note this is actually copy and pasted in, word for word)


Faith : BUT- I have see him before. When Michele first told me about him, she had me look him up. He is cute

Me : Well there you go – you know you are dating so much its making me tired of dating. Lol. I don’t know how you do it.

Faith : Well, to be fair... I haven't really been on too many dates. Just 3.

Me : Well you are out meeting lots of boys – lol. 3 dates LAST WEEK. just kidding.

Faith: I approach a lot of them myself. I don't have the patience to play cat and mouse games.

me : - aww… aren’t they all?

Faith: I'm just shooting a gun in a barrel of fish.

me: For me, I feel like those fish I’m shooting at are minnows. Lol. amoebas maybe.

Faith : amoebas are kinda cute

me: Yet boogers to catch.

Faith: i laughed at the word boogers

Locker Room Talk

So I went to the gym after work yesterday (yes, hell has frozen over, but only parts, don't get excited this is not a routine or anything...), and was in the locker room changing in behind the curtain in the small changing "area." Right outside the curtain I hear two women talking..

Woman 1 : Hey! I'm glad you made it today.

Woman2 : Me too. GUESS WHAT?!?! He actually called me last night!

Woman1: Really? Finally. What did he say?

Woman2 : Well he explained and said he was really sorry

Woman1 : Uh-huh (like she's agreeing, not said sarcastically)

Woman2 : And he said he didn't call me earlier because he didn't want to bother me at work and upset me when I had my meetings and everything...

Woman1 : Oh.... that makes sense.

Woman2: Then he told me he has only apologized like four or five times in his life and this was one of those times...

Woman1: Awwwwwww....

Woman2 : Yeah, I know! And he REALLY really meant it, I could hear how sorry he was in his voice...

Woman1 : Girl... that's great, so did he apply for that job?

Woman2 : No - he is going to take a few weeks and go to Florida and just figure out what he really wants to do and get his thoughts together and then come back and we'll be together.

Woman1: That may be just what he needs......

And then they walked out of the locker room....

Seriously?!??!?! I hope this girl doesn't sit at home crying months from now wondering what went wrong...

Ridiculous Gifts

What is Your Most Ridiculous Gift Ever?

Valentine’s is a popular time for gift giving in relationships. Whether “he went to Jared” (ugh), or “every kiss begins with Kay” (vomit) influences your gift giving, or something else. The dumbest gift I ever received, was definitely in the category of “something else”.

My college boyfriend, we’ll call him Jeremy, had 3 jobs, he was an overachiever for sure. I was still living at home with my parents. Now, this is the times before the blessings that are DVR and Tivo came about. Jeremy often had to work nights and being the ever so kind, generous and thoughtful girlfriend I was, I would tape (yes tape, you know VHS in the VCR) his shows.

Now being in college, I was a wee bit needy (translation = yikes). For further clarification see previous blog. I would often tell Jeremy he needed to be more thoughtful in his gift giving and give me something “with meaning.” One week after class I was at his apartment

Jeremy : I have a gift for you!

Me : what? Really? Why?

Jeremy : Well you are always telling me to be more thoughtful – and I saw this and thought of you so I got it for you! (at this point Jeremy is visibly very excited and proud of himself)

Me: Awwww….. (in typical 19 year old gooey gushy fashion) let me see!!!

And from behind his back… with GREAT showmanship, he reveals.

VHS tapes.

Me:.........................................

Jeremy : So you can tape my shows!!!!

He was so proud of himself, and I realized thoughtful is just not in his vocabulary.

What is your most ridiculous gift ever? (Whether it be something you gave or received.. I am just an awesome gift giver so I have no bad given gifts to report here)

Watch Your Technological "crazy" Ladies

Alright, let’s talk relationships peeps. (Not the candy peeps, because frankly those are disgusting, don’t talk to me if you like those.) My new bloggety blog friends and I have been having quite the go at it this week. Maybe it’s the new “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie, or maybe it’s the Anti-Valentine’s spirit running through our veins – but we have quite the amusing rhetoric going on….or at least we think so (or is it just me??). Check them out (after you read this of course) its worthy of your time, Senseless Jewels' honor.

The Daily Elephant

Whitty Diatribes

I have stated many the opinion on men in this forum, and much fewer in the arena of women, or advice directed at them. This is mainly because I’m single, happily, but still…. I question my egotistical need to advise you on your own love life. There is just something I can no longer keep quiet about. The conception (haha) of Myspace and Facebook has really added an entirely new dynamic. There is the competitive side in younger women that appears to come out,and by younger I mean college age. You know – when you are figuring your life out and you think the guy your dating is the only man for you and everyone else is out to ruin your happiness because you are Cinderella and they are JEALOUS!! Jealous I tell you!. Yes some of my friends date women in college, and then complain about them, in this instance – I just say a resounding “told you so” – hell I didn’t like ME in college. They some crazy biotches!

Below are just a select few things that i have heard fights, issues, and concerns about;

1.The ever popular “relationship status.” Should you change your status first or wait for him to change it…..should you ask him why he hasn’t changed his yet? Why does his say single now instead of in a relationship… is he breaking up with you? OH THE HUMANITY!!! (Ugh… this is why I have NO status on mine…aka nun-ya business)

2.His other “friends”. This ones a doozy – who is the girl commenting on your profile? Have you ever made out with her??? Does she still love you? What did you write on her page I can’t see it its private. (Holy hell batman – this is a bat signal if I have ever seen one)

3.The territory. This one is my personal favorite. You can spot these a mile away- you have probably seen them on some peoples profiles, it’s the ever desperate, territory marking. This is the random “I love you so much” or the “I had the best time with you tonight boyfriend”, and pretty much any constant mention of “boyfriend, lover, honey bear, etc” that pops up randomly throughout your page. Um – don’t you talk every day? Can’t you say this, I don’t know… to them?!?!? What is this?!?!

That’s right guys – that is your girlfriend....peeing on you. Marking the territory.

So – ladies – I know relationships are harder in the face of technology – but lets spray some “Oust” and try to at least cover up the reek of desperation….k??? If a single girl can see it, so can your boyfriend….

Judgement Call

I don’t know where I find these people.

Last week I had what we will chalk up to a bad date. Often my friends(and my Mom) tell me I am too quick to judge guys I go out with and should give people second chances, what do you think?

Here are just a few issues.


1.He was a meathead. And by this I mean, he looked like Mr Incredible. Not “damn, he is good looking” incredible, but like the animated character by Disney. What possesses men to work out to extent that their chest crosses a threshold before the rest of their body?! What?!?!


2.He doesn’t watch or read the news. “It’s too time consuming and depressing.” Ok, I’m not telling you to subscribe to the Wall Street Journal or listen to NPR, I’m just asking for some intelligent conversation about what is going on in the world.


3.Direct quote “I don’t vote.” That’s just ridiculous. I have nothing more on this. In fact – I’m surprised I have more issues because after this I shut down.


4. The basis of the majority of his conversations consisted of how many “house parties” he has a year, how he loves “to entertain” and bragging about how many noise violation citations he has received.


5.The only music, television, or movie reference he made in the entire two hours was “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle”

Call me judgmental if you want, personally I think I made the right call on NOT seeing this one again.

This One's For The Boys

Boys - I have some advice for you. Now this stuff if pretty valuable. I don't know if you have heard, but I am pretty awesome. That's right, your humble Senseless Jewels has been declared right up there with grated Parmesan in writing. (Can I just say I love me some grated Parmesan? Especially with a little pasta? To be put in the same category is an honor..I'd like to thank my parents, my dogs, my.......ok you get it)



Alright - I'm giving you this advice for free, so take it in. It has been brought to my attention both about myself and my friends complaining about other girls as well....


The Blackberry** issue. **Sub ipod, phone, cell, etc if needed**



I have been told I was not nice or rude when a guy was talking to me because I was texting away on my Blackberry. I have had my guy friends complain about their date because;

"She was playing around on her Blackberry the whole time"

Boys - this is going to hurt.


She is not the one with the problem.



YOU ARE.


That's right, to reference the now #1 movie boys - this means "She's Just Not That Into You."


I don't care what she says, what friend is having a bad day, what work must be taken care of, this is a HUGE "get lost". The girl does not have a Blackberry problem, she has a "I'm on a boring date problem" - boring date meaning YOU SIR!!!

Sometimes, it's easier for us to act busy than to say "look, you're a tool - move along". Besides, we may get a free drink or two out of you..... what you want me to lie about that??

Take my free hint here fellas... the next one I may charge for, simply because of my now documented awesomeness.

As the Cliche goes...

Be careful what you wish for… you just might get it.

I am thinking of this today, election day, more than ever. I’m looking at Barack Obama, and I’m looking at all of the people supporting him blindly, toting for change, and all that is running through my head is “be careful what you wish for.”

I’ll try and compare this illusion to a much smaller life experience I believe many of us have been through.

When I was in grade school, we’re talking elementary through high school, there was the “popular group.” I was not in it. There were several “popular” “good looking” guys in this group and they dated the attractive popular girls they were grouped with. I remember being out at a bar with some friends at 22 and running into one of those popular guys. I said “oh my lord, there is John Smith.” Obviously John Smith is not his real name, I certainly don’t want to embarrass or anger anyone here. John was a football player, a year older than me, good looking and incredibly popular. He was the type girls sit around and talk about how great it would be to date him, and fantasize all through their notes they pass back and forth in junior high.

With a little age, wisdom, and most importantly “liquid courage” I approached my John Smith. We talked a bit, and suddenly I realized he was flirting with me. I tried to keep my cool, I was so excited I was talking to John Smith. THE John Smith, if they could see me now!!! John got my number and called me to invite me out with him and his friends. Of course I went spending a ridiculous amount of time getting ready, calling everyone I knew. “Becki, GUESS WHO I’m going out with tonight?!?! OMG John Smith.”

John picked me up, we went and had drinks with his friends. He didn’t pay for me, he probably knew he didn’t have to. He was John Smith. He and his friends were, different, than I expected. They seemed kind of immature and really didn’t have a lot of respect for anyone they knew who was married and called them asinine. Ok – they said stupid, they weren’t acting mature enough to say asinine. The next morning I went to church with John Smith and he took me to Chili’s. Where he told me the story about how he wrote a song about the appetizer chips and salsa because he always asked for ranch with it. The brilliant song was titled “Chips, salsa and ranch.” No lie.

Our next “date” was, predictably, another bar with his single guy friends. There was a popular song at the time by Baby Bash called “Sugar” and the song repeated over and over and over “sugar sugar how’d you get so fly”. Well Mr. Smith gets me out on the dance floor to “check this out”… and he proceeds to dance and sing..

“John Smith how’d you get so fly, John Smith how’d you get so fly”

Seriously? And every time I didn’t laugh or respond in kind, he would go “you know I played football in high school?”. Right.

Not to mention that his “dinner ware” was paper plates, paper bowls, paper cups and plastic utensils…

Basically I realized that this guy I had crushed on and gossiped about in high school, was nothing more than an annoying, immature guy. I never would have guessed at 16 that I would have been so wrong, he was so popular.

We may not be dating, but Barack Obama is just another John Smith to me.

Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. And you don't even know what IT is.

Stay out of trouble or don't get caught.