Does This Work For Anyone?!?!

So I met a guy, we'll call him Doug, because that's his real name. When you are this much of a turd you do not get protection dude.

Doug called me Sunday night, I was in a movie with a girlfriend, the message said "Hey Jewels, this is Doug.. i think you have a confession to make..gimme a call." I was already turned off, but had a 15 minute drive home and thought, what the hell??

Well Doug is apparently still stuck in 1993 because he had one of those voice mails... you know the one... where they go" Hello??.........Hello???........ Who is this?????? oh its just a machine".

Moron.

I did not leave a message, I hung up and said,"oh HELL NO".

Guess what friends, the universe did not let the story end there. Doug called me back just now. And Live Doug is SO much worse than voicemail Doug. The conversation went like this...

Doug : Hey stranger, what are you up to?

Me : Hey....um... laundry (as his number was NOT programmed in my phone and I had no clue who this was).

Doug : So I thought I'd call you back from last night...

Me : Oh... (clued in now)... so what is this confession I am supposed to make?

Doug : Funny story... maybe this has happened to you... I was getting out of the shower, and I saw someone peeking through the window... it was you wasn't it?

Me : um, is that your line?

Doug : No but it gets a call back.

Me: .....................

Doug : So you want to get together this week for coffee?

Me: Umm.....

Doug : Oh, hey that's my other line but I'll call you tomorrow and we'll make a date ok? Bye

Me: Ummmm.............

And he's gone. Seriously?? Guess who won't be drinking coffee with a guy named Doug this week?? Me.

Where do these people come from?!?! Is this all that's left?!?!?!

Cowgirl I Am Not

Alright, lets be honest here. You blow a date/meeting/chance with me, and the odds are there is going to be a blog about it. Consider me the Taylor Swift of blogging but with a little less notoriety and a lot less money. I especially don’t feel bad for those of you out there who KNOW I have a blog that discusses dating/men/boys yet you talk to me anyway. You had fair warning. Now normally I give it awhile, wait until it’s not so fresh, maybe they aren’t checking the blog anymore….but if you give me attitude.. and I’m low on blog material, it’s your time to SHINE my friend.

Here is a recent conversation via “gchat” I had with, we’ll call him Sam. He is apparently a rather big fan of the rodeo – and I obviously, am not.

me: so i have never actually BEEN to a rodeo
ever
do you actually go to the rodeo rodeo or is there other stuff to do?
Sam: both
me: so...guys lasso calves? or what?
Sam: tie-down roping.. yes
events are... bareback riding, bulldoggin', tie down roping, team roping, saddle bronc riding, barrel racing, and bull riding
Me: you may as well have spoken chinese
Sam: you grew up in Texas.. right?
me: yep
Sam: and you dont knwo what rodeo is?! hard to believe
me: never went to the rodeo -
I know the basics
Sam: obviously not... i just told you the basics
me: i don't know the category's - i couldn't tell you what they were doing exactly or the terminology
i mean the bare basics. I know a guy rides a horse and lassos a calf and then there is bull riding...
theres something with barrels?
Sam: lasso is spanish...
they rope the calf
me: exactly - i know what you see on tv
thats about it
Sam: which all of the BASIC events i just listed are on tv almost nightly
me: I think you misunderstood me. I meant “on tv” as in with on “Without A Trace” they are solving a case where someone disappeared from a rodeo, or a lifetime movie based around a rodeo

As my bloggety friend Susi would say.... NEXT!

Wilson's Weapon

Now I may be the human, the money maker, the homeowner, the provider, however there is one instance where my dog Wilson clearly rules the home. This instance is ANY TIME I go to leave, and place them in their "room." That is Wilson there on the right, he looks innocent enough right?

I know you are all out there in blog world saying "you can't take on an eight pound dog?". No. No I can't. He has a weapon. He is well aware of that weapon and the power it provides, and let me tell you ... "cute little Wilson" is not afraid to use it.

This is his warning stance, aka "lock and load". I go to get him off the bed, and his legs open in DIRECT equivalence to the proximity of how close I am to him. The further I advance, the more widespread he becomes, and vice versa.

Wilson knows his "willie" is a powerful weapon, as the last thing I want is dog pee sprayed across my bed. (And he'll do it too). Every day I have to invent a new way to get him off the bed in peace so I can then proceed to pick him up off the hardwood floor and pluck him in his "room."

So basically, an 8 pound dog runs my house. I admit it.

Red Flags (consider yourself warned)

We've all made mistakes in life. I made plenty in my love life and I'm probably going to make some more. My old pal Blunt Delivery gives some great advice on what to look for IN relationships. Here I would just like to address some early signs that I wish someone had warned me about before I get in those in the first place. Any more than one of these...and I advise you to draw a square, add a line on the side, and color it in red. That's right girls, the following 10 things that I have seen/experienced are definitely A RED FLAG!!!

1. Paisley shirts. No one should wear a paisley shirt but your Mimi, no one.

2. Make up. His very own No Shine powder. I think this speaks for itself.

3. A Manicure kit - Here's a tip, this isn't because he wants to do YOUR nails.

4. Uses the Term "Beeyotch" - NO straight man should use this term, a "biotch" to avoid the word or "B" is not appealing, but it's acceptable. Beeyotch, well..... NO.

5. Tanning. After a trip to the tanning salon (Him..not you, which is another red flag in itself.) - he says "I'm tanner than you"

6. Ego. 75% of the photos on his digital camera are portraits he took.... of HIMSELF

7. An obsession for Bernadette Peters. Don't know who she is? I didn't either. Look it up. You'll understand.

8. He refers to his mustang as "baby"

9. "Matchmaker" He's getting girls numbers "for his friends sweetie.." (no i didn't buy this one but people do)

10. Overzealous on his religion. I had a pretty religious boyfriend, whom after I said "that just hit me in the ass", he looked at me, tears in his eyes and said "You just drove the nails deeper into Christ's wrists" - I RAN... FAST.

Now - these may never happen to you, but over years of my collective dating experience here are just a few things I experienced.

These date way back, the more recent ones I need to give a little more time so maybe they won't be as sensitive or recognize themselves. Maybe you shouldn't write about that Jewels. No - I'm sorry, it's just too good. If someone hands you a 2 caret diamond you don't say "Oh I can't accept this due to the movie Blood Diamond and what happens in Africa." You just don't. (Well maybe you do but I wouldn't. It's there, the damage has already been done.

More red flags to come when the dust settles - and trust me, they are JUICY.

Going Green

I tricked you my dear liberal minded friends!! You started reading! But, alas I do not mean environmentally green, but the literal action of wearing green.

I'm sorry I don't recycle, they don't pick up at my place. But at work I do recycle paper in a box that my co-worker got for me, so see... thats something!

Ok, so today is St. Patrick's Day. I will admit, I know nothing of this holiday. Nothing except I must wear green and people drink incessantly...but mainly, I know I must wear green. Why do you text "Happy St Patty's Day" and put that on your facebook status? What is the occasion? And if there is one more "It's St Patrick's Day, be safe out there"... Really?!?!?! Seriously?!?!?

Frankly these little guys scare me. They make me think of Rumplestiltskin and him coming after my first born or my dog or something.


I do not have an inherent love for St. Patrick, don't know much about the guy, and as far as I know there is barely, if any Irish in my bloodline. I have never tried Guinness, and everyday is a day where one can drink beer in my family. Frankly I just don't want to deal with people.... people and the pinching.

Damn the pinching.

And the JUDGEMENT, who made you the "That's not green" fairy?

There is not one shade of green that everyone must wear or deal with the nail punctures and bruises that resort from pinching. All day I hear "That's turquoise" or "thats more of an aqua". Listen, you are a pincher, you probably have been since you were a kid, and you have a problem.

IT'S FREAKING GREEN!

Drinking and Texting

Ok, my name is Senseless Jewels and I have a problem. I am an alcohol induced texter.

I am not sure when it started, I do know I have improved. This is due to no effort of my drinking self, but by sober Jewels who deletes some numbers from her phone to avoid such embarrassment.

There are always two main instances...between an ex boyfriend, "short lived relationship", or a random make-out guy(PG thank you very much), or even just a POSSIBLE slight inkling of liking.. All rationalization is lost so pretty much everyone is fair game. (Please note on weekends this is after midnight, however on weekdays with happy hour anytime beyond 6pm is dangerous)

1. I text silly messages with no point such as "Whatcha up to?" or "How have you been?" to guys I really don't have feelings for. Maybe I just need a little ego boost or maybe I'm just bored and want someone to talk to.

2. I text said messages to guys who I previously dumped or ended things with but they still liked me. This is never good. This always,always ends up badly. This is not just a one night instance. This then reignites their hope that I have some interest, admittedly my fault. Then the next day I get the "so what day works for you for dinner this week?" CRAP!!!! Now I have to dump them, AGAIN!

Overall - laying in bed this morning after a fun night on the town with some fun friends, I was having the typical morning after reaction as I remembered texts I had sent. Please note not one of these girls stopped me. Not a one.

"ohhh... CRAP" as I bury my head under the covers.

I'm stopping. You all are my witnesses. What do I think is going to come out of this that is GOOD? All I get is to make fun of MYSELF, and frankly I MUCH prefer making fun of others.

Cat Fight

I was reminded by a discussion in the comment section at my friend blunt delivery’s blog, of an elementary school argument that turned rather, well, embarrassing. I know – you are thinking what was NOT embarrassing about you in elementary school Jewels… well.. nothing. From my acid washed ruffle denim skirts, to my annual perm, I in no way escape ridicule. There was however, one unique incident I don’t think anyone else can claim…

The Cat Fight of 4th grade, with Katie G.

Katie was new in town the previous year and we became fast friends. We would spend the night at each other’s house and watch “Steel Magnolias” until the VHS tape wouldn’t work anymore. One night, Katie G was at my house staying over and we had a typical 4th grade fight. I don’t remember what it was about, only that we went to sleep mad at each other.

When we went to sleep I had evenly trimmed bangs, when I woke up, one side of my bangs were, for all intents and purposes, gone. They were maybe half an inch long sticking straight up.

After Katie went home my Mom and I were trying to figure out what happened, and somehow I came to the conclusion that Katie had freaking CUT my bangs. Oh man was I pissed.

Monday at recess I called her out. We were being called to line up to go back into class and were arguing again and I said “YOU CUT MY BANGS” . Katie of course denied it, whatever, I knew the truth. She was mad at me and took the scissors and cut my bangs. Fingers were pointed, words were said, feelings were hurt, and I looked ridiculous with a mini spike on the right front side of my head where said bangs used to be.

After that, obviously Katie and I were no longer friends. Months later, I was laying on the couch watching tv with my Mom. I felt a slight tickling and heard my Mom say “Oh crap”. I raised my eyes up, and standing over my on the couch cushion, EATING MY BANGS was my cat Angel (rip). Apparently she liked hair spray.

Whoops.

Sorry Katie G.

Wait Till Your Father Gets Home

I have always feared my Mom more than my Dad. My Mom is used to the “strict father” and “sympathetic mother” that most of her generation grew up with. You know…the scary and threatening..

“Wait till your father gets home”

This was not quite how it was in my house.

Years ago, when I was in college and still living at home with my parents, I had some crazy times. I would leave to go out with friends, and either
A. Get home around 2:30-3am (3am meant there was a Whataburger run for some taquitos – or Jack in The Box – no way I could eat that now)
B. Not come home at all(get your mind out of the gutter I usually was crashed at a friends place)

Now if I didn’t come home I would receive the dreaded phone call between 6 and 7 am, it never failed.

Me : “Hello”

Mom: “ Where are you”

Me: “Becki’s (or Candace, Jamie, whatever friend I went out with the night before)

Mom : You need to get home NOW – your Dad is so mad – wait until he talks to you.

So I would get home, go straight to my room and try to avoid my parents at all cost. I would get ready and go off to school or work to avoid confrontation. My mom called to inform me I was to meet my Dad for lunch to talk about my behavior and how it has gone on long enough.

I get to the restaurant, and sit down with my Dad. Our food is ordered, and the talk begins.

Dad : Well… the mommy wants me to talk to you

Me : I know…

Dad: We just wanna know where you are….

Me: Ok.

Dad: Ok, ….. you need any money? Here’s a $20.

And that is it.

After leaving the restaurant and getting back to my office I get a phone call, caller Id says “Home”.

Mom : We’re going to need that $20 back.

Weekend Wrap Up

As previously stated, I was at my parents home in North Dallas this weekend for a wedding. I spent 3 days and 3 nights up there and was going pretty much non-stop. I had a blast, some surprises, some yawns, some lessons, and generally a fun time throughout.

Some things I noted;

-It is fun to get a group of old high school friends together to talk about crazy things like vomit and snuggies. Not necessarily together, although entirely appropriate...

-I am still capable of getting home at 5:30 in the morning.

-My parents are still capable of REALLY REALLY disliking it when I get home at 5:30 in the morning.

-Never let a gay man with good taste give you beer in his home. You will like it, you will want it instead of domestic, and it will be expensive. Damn you Ryan and your Stella.

-All weddings should have a mandated alcohol supply. Seriously. I understand the joyous occasion but at least put BYOB on your invitation or something. Mini liquor bottles aren’t just for hotels and airplanes anymore! I just realized all things above involved alcohol…. All the more reason to always have it at weddings…

-A $60+ dollar tab for two people is WAY too much beer.

-Upon running into him, literally...I still feel slight embarrassment for those harassing "I like you" phone calls I made to Brian Finkelstein in 7th grade, chalk this up to "the people I didn't expect to see on Saturday night".

-Telling guys Tamara and I met in a Backstreet Boy chat room is still the best way to get rid of them EVER.

-The Tunacado at Ra in The Shops at Legacy is one of the best things I have EVER HAD.

-A party weekend is not best during Daylight Savings Time.

Overall, there is nothing better than reconnecting with tons of old friends for a weekend and feeling young again.... and now we get in less trouble....well.... sort of...

Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm

I am at my parents house for a wedding this weekend. I made the ever so exciting 3.5 hour drive last night and then went to bed in my brothers messy (understatement of the century) room. This morning, my Dad and my brother were kind enough to take my car to the family mechanic.

My Dad has always been a goofy absentminded guy, and whether intentionally or not, he is hilarious.

After my Dad and brother returned, I was letting the dogs in the backyard while talking to my brother and my Mom.

Mom : Where's your dad? Did he leave? (yelling) AL!!!!

Al: Here (this was coming from the next room)

So Mom walks off to him..... and then....

Mom : Where are your pants?

Now that's something you don't want to hear....

Oh boy.

Cabin Fever... Not the D List Movie

I know…. I left you, I’m sorry. I would promise you it will never happen again, but the odds are against us. I could tell you I’m never going to write again and that this means you must start viewing my site as much as possible to improve the world… but I don’t follow Obama’s Guidebook.

Because I respect you all and your intelligence, I’m going to tell it like it is. Folks, sometimes this darn thing gets lost in the shuffle of this craziness we call life, or for instances such as this past week, the common cold.

From Tuesday at 1pm until this fine Monday morning I left my home a grand total of 3 times, each with its own little gem to share, yet not enough energy at that time to articulate. I saved those little bits just for your entertainment whenever I was up and ready to go again...

#1. I went to see G Love and Special Sauce late Friday night. I know what you are thinking Mom “if you are too sick to go to school(I mean work… big girl now) you are too sick to go out". Well, normally I would agree, but this lesson of Mom’s falls to #2 behind not wasting money – as I had already shelled out $30 for my ticket. That’s 6 bottles of cheap red wine. I was going to that darn concert people. It was outdoors, no chairs, but I sat on the ground straight up until they took the stage. As the show progressed, I took note of my surroundings. I noticed two decent looking guys at our ten o’clock. Not bad. Not great, but comparatively they were doing fine. Along come “Paul and Steve”. Paul and Steve are the guys whose names you remember, if for no other reason than to be prepared to run like hell next time. Paul and Steve take the “I’m a dumb drunk ass who is going to get all up in your grill” approach. (Standing directly in front of my friend and I and then beer in hand saying “whoops sorry ladies..I’m Paul,…I’m Steve”). I then took the lame, but tried and true…approach of “oh look who it is over there” and running to the aforementioned decent looking boys at ten o’clock. There I stayed talking with the nice gentleman the rest of the show and enjoyed myself…well… sans a sad interruption compliments of Paul and Steve asking why I ran off… oh boys. As for the decent guys at ten o’clock – never got their name, but they were enjoyable for the half hour we chatted. Penn state, mechanical engineer, lives north of the city… see … I pay attention. You don’t ask my name I don’t ask yours. Moving on….

#2.A quick trip by a friend’s house to watch a movie. We watched “My Best Friend’s Girl” with Jason Biggs, Kate Hudson, and Dane Cook – there were some funny lines but I would not recommend it. Biggs was a one pie wonder…(side note – Brandon I apologize, I know how you feel about Dane Cook – I hope this little shout out helps heal the pain this outing has caused).

#3.Shopping. That’s right. As if things couldn’t get any worse with my “viral respiratory infection” (I know I know, it’s a cold but the technical term sounds harsher), I had to go shopping. I am going up to Dallas this weekend for a family wedding and I needed a dress. If you have learned anything about me in our short and limited time together you know my feelings about shopping…but I digress. I was in store #2. Marshall’s… aka Cheap People R Us. **TMI ALERT** This may be too much for some people but I’m going to keep it as appropriate as possible…scan on down if you can’t handle it and don’t say I didn’t warn you. I run to the women’s restroom before I start my ever dreaded shopping experience. I walk in the stall, lock the door… am going about my business when… out of freaking nowhere there is around a 4-5 year old little boy looking at me under the stall!! WTF!?!?! He is saying “Mom?? ….Mom…??” While STARING at ME- obviously not your mama kid…What does one do? I mean, I had already BEGUN here – so I just held my shoe up in his face…. I said “excuse me” a couple of times, but really… I was at a loss. After that I was ready to G.O. In typical Jewels fashion, tried on two dresses, one fit, on clearance (BOO-YAH), $20 – and home I go… back to my tissues and Dayquil.

Please know – I thought of you all the entire time (this is not true), and thought of how the blogosphere was doing with out me (this only because people asked me where I was)… I hope this long one begins to make up for my absence (don’t know don’t care… read it or don’t.. Obama hasn’t controlled blogs just yet..you still have time)…

Oh and I’m much better – seriously though, take care of yourself and watch out for little boys shooting long rows of snot – they are not your friend.