Trying the Cliches

Today is not a happy day for Jewels.... nope... Jewels is sick. I'm not entirely sure if it is allergies or a cold. Either way.... NOT. HAPPY.

I went to a children's arcade on Saturday for a 5 year old birthday party. I had a blast. Emily and I spent $20 paying skee ball, basketball, the stupid money wasting drop the coin in and see if you can knock coins out game, and some shoot em up fun. The negative here? One kid. One kid in the party room who sneezed the longest line of snot I have ever seen in my life. No joke, it was as tall as he was. At that exact moment I looked at my friend Emily and said

"oh sh*t"

It was that moment I knew I would probably end up sick.

So here I am, coughing my lungs up, body aching, and buying into every single "feel better" cliche there is because...hell....what else can I do?

I got my day time cold/flu syrup, my water, ginger ale, orange juice, chicken noodle soup, and hot tea with honey.

Surely if I combine it all something will work?

PS - Thanks to Angela and her awesomeness for designing and putting together the awesome header you see here!

PPS - Longest row of snot I have ever seen - EVER

My Single Ladies

In referral to my previous post about some naive women, I thought it was only fair to give you some insight into a typical text/email conversation between my friend Faith and I about dating. Just for comparison's sake. (note this is actually copy and pasted in, word for word)


Faith : BUT- I have see him before. When Michele first told me about him, she had me look him up. He is cute

Me : Well there you go – you know you are dating so much its making me tired of dating. Lol. I don’t know how you do it.

Faith : Well, to be fair... I haven't really been on too many dates. Just 3.

Me : Well you are out meeting lots of boys – lol. 3 dates LAST WEEK. just kidding.

Faith: I approach a lot of them myself. I don't have the patience to play cat and mouse games.

me : - aww… aren’t they all?

Faith: I'm just shooting a gun in a barrel of fish.

me: For me, I feel like those fish I’m shooting at are minnows. Lol. amoebas maybe.

Faith : amoebas are kinda cute

me: Yet boogers to catch.

Faith: i laughed at the word boogers

Locker Room Talk

So I went to the gym after work yesterday (yes, hell has frozen over, but only parts, don't get excited this is not a routine or anything...), and was in the locker room changing in behind the curtain in the small changing "area." Right outside the curtain I hear two women talking..

Woman 1 : Hey! I'm glad you made it today.

Woman2 : Me too. GUESS WHAT?!?! He actually called me last night!

Woman1: Really? Finally. What did he say?

Woman2 : Well he explained and said he was really sorry

Woman1 : Uh-huh (like she's agreeing, not said sarcastically)

Woman2 : And he said he didn't call me earlier because he didn't want to bother me at work and upset me when I had my meetings and everything...

Woman1 : Oh.... that makes sense.

Woman2: Then he told me he has only apologized like four or five times in his life and this was one of those times...

Woman1: Awwwwwww....

Woman2 : Yeah, I know! And he REALLY really meant it, I could hear how sorry he was in his voice...

Woman1 : Girl... that's great, so did he apply for that job?

Woman2 : No - he is going to take a few weeks and go to Florida and just figure out what he really wants to do and get his thoughts together and then come back and we'll be together.

Woman1: That may be just what he needs......

And then they walked out of the locker room....

Seriously?!??!?! I hope this girl doesn't sit at home crying months from now wondering what went wrong...

Maybe Minor, but Complaints Nonetheless

There are several small things that are annoying me currently. There isn't anything I can do about them, besides vent to anyone who wants to read this. And yes, I know how minor and minuscule they are in the grand scheme of things, sometimes you just need to get it out.

1. Mi Casa. I am a homeowner, and I have NEVER had more problems in all the places I have rented than I am having now. For the approx. 5th time in less than 4 months, my condo complex does not have hot water. Apparently, I live in a dump. I'm not sure who I am supposed to blame here, my realtor, the developer, the plumber who can't seem to get it right, or the HOA that just raised my rate $35 a month and FOR WHAT?!?! All I know, is I have been washing my hair in an ice cold sink on the days that it decides to go out, which has been SINCE SATURDAY. Not. happy.

2. Work cleaning crew. I swear, the staff that cleans our offices at night must be in cahoots with the guy that owns the vending machines. Full, empty, or with my name on it, the cleaning crew always THROWS AWAY my water bottle every freaking night. I have to HIDE my own water bottle before I leave everyday! Ridiculous. And sometimes, well I am in a hurry and I forget, so I have to go buy yet ANOTHER water bottle out of the vending machine. Like I said.....cahoots.

3. Michelle Obama : Fashion Diva. WHAT?!?!?! I mean really, WHAT?! All they were talking about on the NEWS this morning is how this woman is single handily saving the economy and getting people buying new clothes. Yet this "Jason Wu" character who designed her inauguration gown is supposedly on PETA's radar for all the fur he has used. My annoyance/question here?? Where the hell is Ashley Judd on this?! I mean, isn't she due another commercial talking about how Michelle is endorsing the death of animals? Or does this only apply to republicans? I hate celebrities who delve into politics. Ugh.

I am sure there are many many more, but for now I am off to work... minor bumps in the road of life, but I think the air in my tires is already low.

Senseless Crushes Part 1

Inspired by the comment section at my friend The Daily Elephant, I decided to coast through some of my young celebrity crushes. There are plenty. So we will cut them in half, this being "The Early Years".

The first celebrity crush I remember having.... was New Kids On The Block around 9 years old.. Oh man, I loved Jordan and Jon Knight. They were my favorites, I didn't care at all about the others. I had the sleeping bag, which I slept in daily, multiple t-shirts, the dolls, a book, tapes, VHS, etc. One summer my Mom surprised me with tickets to their show at Texas Stadium. My Dad took me. I remember being so excited all day, I even went and had my hair french braided and laid out all my New Kids t-shirts hoping to pick the right one. I KNEW, I mean I KNEW that once Jordan saw me it would be over. We go to the stadium and kept walking, and walking, and walking until we were at the very top. They looked like little ants and my Dad sat there holding his ears the entire time, but never complained. Man, I loved them. I still have my New Kids VHS, and ironically, just yesterday at the gym I saw a lady with a New Kids towel from 1990. (yes I know the year) No crush ever compared to my NKOTB love. Ever.

The next crush I remember, Elijah Wood. My love for Elijah began around "The Adventures of Huck Finn" and lasted through "The War." (Speaking of, when I moved last year some things never made it out of the trunk of my car, one of those things..."The War" soundtrack CD.) Elijah lost me with Flipper, but the in between was a wonderful time. I remember my friend Rebecca and I had a "letter notebook" with him on the cover. Do you remember the "letter notebook"? You would write your friend a note and hand them the notebook between classes, then they would write you a note, etc... no? Ok- back to Elijah. My friend Heather and I used to watch North over and over...worst movie ever. In January of 94 some friends and I gave him a 13th birthday party, we made a cake and watched his movies all day. We had a good thing going, and then Flipper came out......

Fortunately that same year of the terrible dolphin film, there was a ray of light by way of a bus. That's right, summer of 1994 was the time of "Speed" and the blossoming of my love for Keanu Reeves. I watched that movie over and over again and just thought he was the hottest thing ever. I was 13, he was 30. However, my parents are 20 years apart so I was 100% positive that I could make this thing with Keanu work. (Little side note of trivia, he is good friends with Joaquin Phoenix according to imdb.com, interesting). I also saw the movie "A Walk In The Clouds" and bought the soundtrack purely for him. However, I could never really get into any of his other movies, so he fell off my radar....

Somewhere in all of this young love and pre-teen angst there a fleeting crush on Party of Five star, Scott Wolf. He was engaged to Alyssa Milano at the time (that obviously worked out). That crush didn't last long, but he did earn a coveted spot on the aforementioned "letter notebook."

In 1995, my friend Rebecca and I were dropped off at the movie theatre by our parents to go see Casper. The movie starred Christina Ricci and Bill Pullman, and we enjoyed it. The last five minutes of the movie (this came out in 1995 people but just in case SPOILER ALERT) Casper gets to be "a live boy" for all of 5 minutes. Well the audience sees the back of his head as he walks down the stairs and then there is a very dramatic moment where you see his face. Rebecca and I sat through ALL of the credits just to find out his name, Devon Sawa. We then had my Mom drive us directly to the grocery store so we could search through Big Bop and Tiger Beat for his best photos. We then rented "Little Giants" with him in it. The most exciting moment of my Devon Sawa crush was when "Now and Then" came out. That all star movie with 4 women as children and grown ups with Rosie O'Donnell, Rita Wilson, Demi Moore, etc. Well there was a Devon Sawa BUTT SHOT!!! We were there on opening day, I later bought the movie.. and you guessed it... the soundtrack!



So there you go. Senseless Jewels senseless celebrity crushes up until age 14. There are also still holes in the wall in my old bedroom from where I stapled, tacked, and taped all of these fellas posters over my bed. My parents were good sports :). Prepare yourself, because 15 on is going to be a long one, I may even have to split it up into two more parts.



Who was your childhood crush?

Me vs The Mall

Sit down, prepare yourself, take a deep breath... I have something to tell you.


I hate shopping.


WHAT!?!??! I know, a girl that doesn't like shopping.. it's insanity.



It all started when I was a kid - aka I blame my mother. For the record Mom, (I know you read this) I don't really "blame" you - because of you I have more money and less credit card debt than other women who didn't have a mother like you growing up. As a child my Mom would take me to the mall, usually to Mervyn's. Everytime I saw something I liked and pointed to it the exchange went like this. Every. Time.


Me : ohhh....Mom I like that sweater, can I get it?


Mom: Wait till it's on sale.

Me: But...but?!?!? What if they don't have it then or it doesn't go on sale?


Mom: Then it wasn't meant to be.


My mother still says this.


Flash forward to present day ; it is nearly IMPOSSIBLE for me to buy something that is not on sale. I walk into a store, disregard the "greeting" salesperson with a dismissive wave, and head directly for the back of the store- AKA - The Sale.


When shopping with friends, if they suggest I buy a full price item (e-gads!) I respond "I'll wait and see if it goes on sale"


I drive my friend Michelle crazy. Michelle loves to shop and feels completely at home in a mall. Our shopping trips together usually go along these lines...


Michelle and I enter the mall, and go to Express, where I need a pair of jeans. I do a quick walk through, try on a couple of pairs of jeans, opt for the one on sale (duh) and look for Michelle. Michelle is still making her rounds through the store decided what to try on. I tell her I will meet her at the next store, call me when she finishes.



I run to Victoria's Secret and grab what I need, Bath and Body Works for some soap and lotion, and Aldo for some work shoes. I check my phone, no word from Michelle. I go back to Express, where I find Michelle in the dressing room still trying things on. I wait patiently. She checks out.


Michelle : Ok, now where to?


Me: Well I'm done, so I'm going home, good times... same time next week?


Ergo, Michelle no longer likes shopping with me. No one does for that matter. I have to prey on new friends to get a shopping buddy, ones that don't know my reputation..


This is getting long so come back another time for some info on my other shopping flaw: aka: buyer's remorse. That's me, Jewels, the queen of same day returns.

Ridiculous Gifts

What is Your Most Ridiculous Gift Ever?

Valentine’s is a popular time for gift giving in relationships. Whether “he went to Jared” (ugh), or “every kiss begins with Kay” (vomit) influences your gift giving, or something else. The dumbest gift I ever received, was definitely in the category of “something else”.

My college boyfriend, we’ll call him Jeremy, had 3 jobs, he was an overachiever for sure. I was still living at home with my parents. Now, this is the times before the blessings that are DVR and Tivo came about. Jeremy often had to work nights and being the ever so kind, generous and thoughtful girlfriend I was, I would tape (yes tape, you know VHS in the VCR) his shows.

Now being in college, I was a wee bit needy (translation = yikes). For further clarification see previous blog. I would often tell Jeremy he needed to be more thoughtful in his gift giving and give me something “with meaning.” One week after class I was at his apartment

Jeremy : I have a gift for you!

Me : what? Really? Why?

Jeremy : Well you are always telling me to be more thoughtful – and I saw this and thought of you so I got it for you! (at this point Jeremy is visibly very excited and proud of himself)

Me: Awwww….. (in typical 19 year old gooey gushy fashion) let me see!!!

And from behind his back… with GREAT showmanship, he reveals.

VHS tapes.

Me:.........................................

Jeremy : So you can tape my shows!!!!

He was so proud of himself, and I realized thoughtful is just not in his vocabulary.

What is your most ridiculous gift ever? (Whether it be something you gave or received.. I am just an awesome gift giver so I have no bad given gifts to report here)

Watch Your Technological "crazy" Ladies

Alright, let’s talk relationships peeps. (Not the candy peeps, because frankly those are disgusting, don’t talk to me if you like those.) My new bloggety blog friends and I have been having quite the go at it this week. Maybe it’s the new “He’s Just Not That Into You” movie, or maybe it’s the Anti-Valentine’s spirit running through our veins – but we have quite the amusing rhetoric going on….or at least we think so (or is it just me??). Check them out (after you read this of course) its worthy of your time, Senseless Jewels' honor.

The Daily Elephant

Whitty Diatribes

I have stated many the opinion on men in this forum, and much fewer in the arena of women, or advice directed at them. This is mainly because I’m single, happily, but still…. I question my egotistical need to advise you on your own love life. There is just something I can no longer keep quiet about. The conception (haha) of Myspace and Facebook has really added an entirely new dynamic. There is the competitive side in younger women that appears to come out,and by younger I mean college age. You know – when you are figuring your life out and you think the guy your dating is the only man for you and everyone else is out to ruin your happiness because you are Cinderella and they are JEALOUS!! Jealous I tell you!. Yes some of my friends date women in college, and then complain about them, in this instance – I just say a resounding “told you so” – hell I didn’t like ME in college. They some crazy biotches!

Below are just a select few things that i have heard fights, issues, and concerns about;

1.The ever popular “relationship status.” Should you change your status first or wait for him to change it…..should you ask him why he hasn’t changed his yet? Why does his say single now instead of in a relationship… is he breaking up with you? OH THE HUMANITY!!! (Ugh… this is why I have NO status on mine…aka nun-ya business)

2.His other “friends”. This ones a doozy – who is the girl commenting on your profile? Have you ever made out with her??? Does she still love you? What did you write on her page I can’t see it its private. (Holy hell batman – this is a bat signal if I have ever seen one)

3.The territory. This one is my personal favorite. You can spot these a mile away- you have probably seen them on some peoples profiles, it’s the ever desperate, territory marking. This is the random “I love you so much” or the “I had the best time with you tonight boyfriend”, and pretty much any constant mention of “boyfriend, lover, honey bear, etc” that pops up randomly throughout your page. Um – don’t you talk every day? Can’t you say this, I don’t know… to them?!?!? What is this?!?!

That’s right guys – that is your girlfriend....peeing on you. Marking the territory.

So – ladies – I know relationships are harder in the face of technology – but lets spray some “Oust” and try to at least cover up the reek of desperation….k??? If a single girl can see it, so can your boyfriend….

Judgement Call

I don’t know where I find these people.

Last week I had what we will chalk up to a bad date. Often my friends(and my Mom) tell me I am too quick to judge guys I go out with and should give people second chances, what do you think?

Here are just a few issues.


1.He was a meathead. And by this I mean, he looked like Mr Incredible. Not “damn, he is good looking” incredible, but like the animated character by Disney. What possesses men to work out to extent that their chest crosses a threshold before the rest of their body?! What?!?!


2.He doesn’t watch or read the news. “It’s too time consuming and depressing.” Ok, I’m not telling you to subscribe to the Wall Street Journal or listen to NPR, I’m just asking for some intelligent conversation about what is going on in the world.


3.Direct quote “I don’t vote.” That’s just ridiculous. I have nothing more on this. In fact – I’m surprised I have more issues because after this I shut down.


4. The basis of the majority of his conversations consisted of how many “house parties” he has a year, how he loves “to entertain” and bragging about how many noise violation citations he has received.


5.The only music, television, or movie reference he made in the entire two hours was “Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle”

Call me judgmental if you want, personally I think I made the right call on NOT seeing this one again.

This One's For The Boys

Boys - I have some advice for you. Now this stuff if pretty valuable. I don't know if you have heard, but I am pretty awesome. That's right, your humble Senseless Jewels has been declared right up there with grated Parmesan in writing. (Can I just say I love me some grated Parmesan? Especially with a little pasta? To be put in the same category is an honor..I'd like to thank my parents, my dogs, my.......ok you get it)



Alright - I'm giving you this advice for free, so take it in. It has been brought to my attention both about myself and my friends complaining about other girls as well....


The Blackberry** issue. **Sub ipod, phone, cell, etc if needed**



I have been told I was not nice or rude when a guy was talking to me because I was texting away on my Blackberry. I have had my guy friends complain about their date because;

"She was playing around on her Blackberry the whole time"

Boys - this is going to hurt.


She is not the one with the problem.



YOU ARE.


That's right, to reference the now #1 movie boys - this means "She's Just Not That Into You."


I don't care what she says, what friend is having a bad day, what work must be taken care of, this is a HUGE "get lost". The girl does not have a Blackberry problem, she has a "I'm on a boring date problem" - boring date meaning YOU SIR!!!

Sometimes, it's easier for us to act busy than to say "look, you're a tool - move along". Besides, we may get a free drink or two out of you..... what you want me to lie about that??

Take my free hint here fellas... the next one I may charge for, simply because of my now documented awesomeness.

Early Years....

13 is an amusing age in retrospect. So many things that I found to be absolutely humiliating at the time, I now consider hilarious.

My Dad does not get embarrassed. In fact, my Dad probably does things to TRY to be embarrassed just so he knows what it feels like, but to no avail.

I remember one day, when I was around 13, Dad and I went to the grocery store. We were walking in and just barely in the entry of the store when he noticed his shirt was untucked. Understand it does not matter where or the circumstances to my father, if his shirt is untucked, he must tuck it back in. Onlookers, be damned!! My Dad stops right where he is, unbuckles his belt, unbuttons his pants, then FULLY unzips his pants. Then, right there in the middle of the entryway he tucks his shirt back in. At 13, this appeared to take about 5 minutes, when in actually it was about one. Was the one minute necessary? Nope. Dad just saw the pained expression on my face and the flush creeping up my neck and thought it would be funny to drag out a bit.



I'll never forget, that as my Dad was doing this, a grocery store worker, a teenager, cute of course, was pushing in a line of carts. He stopped, looked at my Dad....looked at me, and said;

"Your life sucks doesn't it"

And then proceeded on.


PS - I'm 27, and my Dad still does this, I'm just no longer affected.... MUCH to his dismay might I add.

Get Your Hair Did

My poor neglected Pups. W&G have been walking around looking like abandoned rag-a-muffins. This bad Mama put her own hair needs in front of her own children's.

Mind you mine is a $7.99 box and they require $35 and a 30 minute commute - yeesh.

This is the kids "Before and Afters" ala any talk show where they give people makeovers.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Wilson. Wilson had long hair and a few mats around his face due to licking by his cohabitant. (Gracie not his mama.... sheesh people). Wilson likes getting attention, being loved, and choking himself on the end of his leash while pulling like a sled dog.

Next up we have Gracie. The culprit behind Wilson's matting issues. Gracie's hair had gotten so long you could not adequately see her face. Gracie likes any kind of people food she can get her paws on, growling at her Mama to play with the squeaky toys, and rubbing her smell on unsuspecting guests.

Thank you for stopping by, please remember to have your pets spayed or neutered.

Denial and Acceptance

Last night my friend Faith and I went to see "The Killers" concert. As we were sitting in the cheap aka radio winners aka FREE seats, drinking our beers, watching the opening band, we had a conversation via text.

(hey it was loud in there, it was easier than shouting)

It went a little something like this;

Faith : I was right earlier when I bet I wouldn't like this band

Me: I know, pick a style already

Faith: Maybe I'm just old

Me: No- we are not old. They aren't that good - I don't have time for this, come back when you have some hits.

Faith: I really don't like the prerecorded stuff.

Me: Hey we liked it with Ace of Base

Faith : But we were 9

Me : Damn.... we ARE old : (

An Attempt

I’m trying to have the courage that others show. Attacking such a public forum with such a personal issue is difficult. (Pinky inspires on this)

You write. You delete. You complete. You back space.

It’s frustration on top of rejection and depression. The frustration at my own inability to illustrate these thoughts.

What right do I have to complain? What right do I have to be unhappy?

I have no reason to feel the way I feel sometimes. I am so fortunate and so blessed.

But sometimes….

I stand, waiting for hours to pass, waiting for others to go away.

I don’t know where it comes from, but it’s like a cascade that dampens the spirit. The spirit that it takes days to build washes away in an instant. I find myself grasping for that confidence, that happiness that I just possessed, yet all I feel is the emptiness when it can’t be reached.

I am the happy, bubbly person. That is me, or that is the identity I protect and the persona I portray. It is not always a conscious effort, sometimes it is as if I am on auto pilot. My public display escapes my own evaluation, until another dictates to me "how great it is I am happy despite ______. "

There is a part that wants to say;

What do you know? It does bother me. It DOES affect me, and I am not always as happy as I appear. You don’t know me.

The other part says
I know right?? Look at me! I am so strong and unaffected!!

I ride the line like everyone else.

The worst part about the falter for me? Sometimes I have no reason why....

They're Baaa-aaack

Oh boy. This time of year always gets to me. The stress, the fear of leaving my home... it's just so much pressure!!!

Whether it's going to the grocery store, the book store, well frankly almost any other kind of store I always have the inward struggle.

Head down, do not look at them.

Would it really be so bad to get a box?

No, no, NO! keep walking, do not make eye contact, they can smell fear.

Thin mints are great in the freezer…

Aw, dude!!! – there’s one with pigtails, damn it!

GO GO GO GO!!!!

How is one supposed to lose ANY holiday weight with kids selling cookies on every corner?

And why do I feel this inward guilt that I'm treating them like homeless people? It's self preservation right? RIGHT?!?!??!