This Time, Those Years

At this time in my childhood until the age of 13, I was in a light blue house with white shutters off a red dirt road in Mobile, Alabama. I was with my biological father, my stepmother Gina, and my brother and sister Justin and Jenna. I had only been there 6 days and 5 nights, and I was leaving in two short days. Then, I would be in a red and brown brick house, on a paved road, in Plano, TX. I would be with my Mom, the only DAD that I now know, and my brother and sister Trevor and Bethany.

This was my childhood, this was my normal.

The day after Christmas I did not see friends and share toys with my siblings. The day after Christmas I said goodbye to my family I had spent every moment with the last six months, and flew to the home of "my family" I hardly knew. Calling a man Dad who frightened me slightly, and commanded I say "yes sir" and "no ma'am" in military fashion, and hugging a brother and sister I hardly knew. There I had another Christmas, but I was the unwilling star. I was the only one with presents left from Santa, and everyone wanted to see "how much I'd grown." This "side's" grandparents rushed over, neighbors stopped by, all for the "Julie Show."

I just wanted my Mom.

New Years Day, my last day on that red dirt road, I am mixed with emotions of guilt - because I want to see my Mom, sadness - because I must leave this other family, and confusion- because I don't know what emotions its ok for me to show which "side".

These days still have a place in my head. It has been 14 years since the other "side" ceased to exist in my world(not by my choice, but their own). Yet December 26-January 2nd, and June 10 through July 21st, still send a strange feeling to my heart.

Do not misunderstand, I am thankful everyday that my parents divorced when I was a baby. My birth father was a controlling man, and the man my Mom is with now, who IS my Dad is amazing, he and my Mom are wonderful parents. But those memories, those feelings of obligation, of guilt and of confusion, they don't go away, they just get buried in the business of every day life.

14 years ago was the last time this little girl was on that red dirt road, and all she wanted was to go home.

Whats the basis?

What is the basis for the love stories? The romance novels? The stereotypical "chick flick"?

Does such a love exist? Can you really lock eyes with someone and feel that instant mutual attraction? Is it possible to spend a day with someone and each tell your respective friends that is the man/woman you are going to marry?

What is the basis for fairy tales? A true love unrequited, or just a hope and wish for something more?

Why isn't now good enough?

Have you ever noticed we are never as happy with ourselves in the present as we are in hindsight?
We constantly look in the mirror and pick apart what we see. I’m too pale, I’m too chunky, my hair is the wrong color, my teeth aren’t white enough. .. Yet, when we look at pictures of ourselves from a few short years ago the response is different. “Man I looked good, I wish I knew how good I looked back then.”Why is it so hard for us to stop and say hey… I look pretty damn good right now, instead of waiting three years to think so?
We consistently talk about "the good ole days", and how we didn't realize what a good thing we had going. We bring up how great was it that our only responsibility was to ride our bikes home before dark, to decide what elective we wanted to take in middle school, or in college to set our alarms for a one pm class. In a few years, I'll probably be saying how I wished I had back the life I had now. Now, I think about how breezy bar hopping with my girlfriends and rolling into my college class in my sweats was "the life."

When does it catch up with us? Why can't we just say THIS, .... THIS is the life. Now. Today.

Dogs Have Feelings Too

I liken this one to shame with a touch of resentment.

Just a Moment

I was sitting at home tonight watching "Brothers and Sisters" and I remembered a moment back when I was 20 years old. I unexpectedly woke up in a great deal of pain and had to have emergency surgery.

The moment I remember is being in "pre-op" with my Mom and Dad on either side holding my hands. I recall being in so much pain that even though I was not crying, tears were streaming down my face.

I remember my Dad looking at me and saying

"You know if I could take your pain for you right now I would".

How lucky am I that that man chose to be my Dad.